BEgirl69

I disappeared for over a year.

Reason: TL;DR: We had a baby.

I got a positive pregnancy test about two weeks before Christmas 2014. We were actively trying for a baby, so it wasn’t a “surprise”. My due date was August 24th, 2015.

We told my family on Christmas Eve. We planned to tell Husband’s family on Christmas day, but I woke up that morning to bleeding. The bleeding was only in the morning and stopped quickly. We announced to his family as planned. I saw blood again two days later, so we went to ER. They said everything looked fine, that the blood seemed old. They said don’t push yourself, but didn’t put me on bed rest. I think I was less than 7 weeks.

After switching Doctors (the first one sucked), things were going smoothly. No morning sickness, just lack of appetite and fatigue. At the 19 week ultrasound, we found out we’re having a boy!!! Also, one of his kidneys was enlarged. They wanted to keep an eye on it, so had me come back for another scan about 3 weeks later. Not only was it not better, his stomach was enlarged, too. They called it a “double bubble”, and that it’s a soft marker for Down’s Syndrome. He had no other markers for DS, soft or otherwise, (all bloodwork came back negative for DS) but this doctor that was reviewing the ultrasounds was all but CONVINCED he had DS. A different ultrasound doctor said he probably just has a “kink” in his intestinal tract, preventing fluid from passing as it should and backing up in his stomach. I had an ultrasound every 2-3 weeks for the rest of the pregnancy. We just watched his stomach get bigger and bigger. Mine, did, too.

Fluid was then backing up in the womb, too, as a result of the baby’s issue. I was placed on a Non-Stress Test monitor twice a week starting at the end of June. They wanted to make sure that the baby wasn’t under too much stress from all the fluid pressure. The size of my belly was physically measuring like I was a week overdue, and I was still almost a month away from my due date. Life was very uncomfortable, sleep was difficult, and I was mentally and emotionally exhausted from all this worrying.

I started having consistent contractions on August 1st. We went to the hospital, but they said I wasn’t ready, and sent us home. We went back in around 3am on August 2nd, they said it’s happening - I was admitted. Our son was born at 10:51AM on August 2nd, 2015. The birth went fantastically, despite us not having taken any sort of birthing classes. No complications, I was only pushing for about 30 mins...which is very fortunate, some women end up pushing for 3 hours! No surgery or stitches necessary.

Our baby boy was born with no Down’s Syndrome. He was held at that hospital until about 9PM, when the NICU team transported him to a different hospital where he’d have surgery to fix whatever blockage was in his intestines. It turns out that there was some kind of “webbing” on the inside of his intestines, preventing any flow. Surgery went well, and in retrospect, he recovered quickly.

He stayed in the NICU for 18 days. It was torture. Every time a doctor would say, “we just need him to do this, then he can go home!” just meant that there was another milestone that he’d have to pass first. “We just need to know he can poop.” He pooped! “Well, this other thing needs to happen first.” That other thing happend. “Well, now this.” etc, etc. So much emotional tugging back and forth. We’re still trying to figure out what’s up with his kidney.

I ended up having some pretty severe Postpartum Depression. I really didn’t like this baby. I didn’t really have a connection to him. I had some really scary intrusive thoughts about some kind of escape, both temporary and permanent. Honestly, the idea of losing my husband or being in jail for life is what kept me from acting on it.

Finally after a couple months, I got help. I’m a lot better now, but still on the recovery road. I no longer have those thoughts and I feel a connection to my son. I’m happy with my family.

Hubby and I often talked about posting pregnant sexy pics here, but I just couldn’t. There was too much going on.

Also, it turns out babies are 24/7 work. I haven’t been able to draw… at all. I miss BEgirl. I miss the community. I miss you guys. I won’t say “I’m coming back!” or “I’m not dead!” We all know that doesn’t last long.

I just thought you all deserve to know why I disappeared for more than a year. You all deserve to know that I still think about you, I miss you, and I want to come back. I just don’t know when.

If you made it this far, thanks for hanging in there and reading my story. Happy Holidays, everyone!